ultramundane journal


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2005-03-02 12:15

My Musical Nemesis

Nobody was playing yet, but the place was pretty packed. I scanned the tables, looking for someobody I knew, found no-one. “It’s crowded,” I observed to Samdup as I browsed the menu. I’d played didgeridoo at the open mic a few nights ago, and I was excited about drumming at tonight’s jam.

“Yes,” he agreed, looking around, “but not many musicians.”

I found an empty place at one of the tables on the riser. Two dreadlocked guys and a short-haired girl lounged cross-legged at the low table, finishing their burritos.

“Is this the dreadlock table?” I asked them with a smile. Humor can be elusive with strangers, and no less so when you don’t know how much language you share with them. In spite of not laughing at my joke, they invited me to join them.

“Croatian?” I asked, after listening to them talk together for a few minutes. They shook their heads. “Bulgarian? Serbian? Russian?” They smiled, encouraging me, but still no. I easily ruled out all the European languages I was familiar with, so I figured it was somewhere in the Eastern Block, where I’d never been. “Czech? Slovakian?”

The one with the baseball cap sideways over his dreads mocked a pained look. “You’re so close,” he said. “Think north.”

By now I’d run through all the Eastern European countries I knew, except Albania which I couldn’t remember the name of, and Hungary which I’d forgotten about. I tried to construct a map in my mind, but I’ve always been bad at geography—the only reason I could come up with as many names as I did was because I’d known someone from each of them. Finally an obvious one came to me. “Poland!” I hazarded. “Yes!” he said, relieved.

“Are you playing tonight?” I asked him.

“I don’t think punk rock would go here,” he replied, looking around. Why not, I shrugged. He added, “I’m no good at guitar anyway.”

As the tables were rearranged and the musicians tuned their guitars, I began to reconsider his point. In the course of the first few songs, the format was established: guitar jam. The style ranged from covers of the old rock ‘n roll standards to original folk compositions, but I couldn’t find space for myself around the guitar melodies and vocals. Where, I wondered, could my didgeridoo fit in, or my mouth harp? I was itching to show my stuff on the restaurant’s little djembe, but how could I play African rhythms along with rock classics everybody knew by heart except me?

The guys I’d planned to jam with weren’t here, so I played a simple rhythm to accompany a guitar song. The guitarists were good, they knew all the same songs, knew when the solos and breaks were coming. I began to feel out of place, an unexpected feeling in the town I think of as my home in India.

Someone suggested a drum jam, so I jumped in—a little overeager and perhaps overconfident, which made the rhythms we produced feel disappointing as the song ground to a halt. I’d had my moment in the spotlight, a brief interlude between guitar melodies—an opportunity to bust out some machine-gun drum solos—and it was over before I’d gotten warmed up.

Now back to Bob Marley and Beatles covers, or original hacks on blues standards, or even some original folk songs. They sounded great, but I couldn’t appreciate the music or the musicians—I was too conscious that there was no space for me to play. I began to be angry at the insensitive guitarists, and angry at myself for not being more graceful on the face of not getting what I wanted, and for not knowing how to get it.

I could have called the evening a bust and gone home to sulk, but I’ve never been good at knowing when to walk away from an unpleasant situation. During the pause after a song finished, I began to play my didg, a deep drone layered under rhythmic overtones. One of the guitarists began a song, incongruous with what I’d been playing. I adjusted my rhythm to her tempo, but the subtleties of the overtones were lost behind the guitar and vocals. I hoped it would evolve into something.

Somebody was talking to me. I couldn’t hear him over the music, and I couldn’t turn my head to see him while I was playing. He was standing in front of me gesturing with his hands. I stopped playing. “What?” I asked him.

He stopped talking and gesturing, staring at me. “Hi,” he said. We had both failed, thus far, to communicate anything, except a high level of awkwardness. I gathered from his hand motions that he’d been making a suggestion about my playing, and he began to speak incoherently, repeating his previous motions between me and the guitarist. I was rankled at having been interrupted while playing, and moreso at his incomprehensible musical direction. Directing me in a song I’d started, which had been hostilely taken over by the tyrranical guitarists. You think you can do better? I said under my breath, and handed him my didg. He understood my challenge, making a joke of it; he looked through it like a telescope, turned it around to examine the bottom, resting the mouthpiece on the floor. Then he shrugged and handed it back to me.

I was incensed. Normally I don’t tend to get angry at strangers easily, but in twenty seconds this man had become my bitter enemy. I looked at him, perhaps without much love in my heart. “Rasta man?” he asked casually, smiling, as if he now wanted us to be friends because we had similar hairstyle. “Right,” I mouthed back at him sarcastically, wondering how he could be such a jerk.

My creativity, or my ability to take creative risks, had been buried under my anger. I put the didg away. I couldn’t hear the music through my hurt feelings. He had no right, I thought to myself, to interrupt my playing to tell me how to play at a jam. Who voted him musical director, he’d just arrived a few minutes ago.

He ended up playing the little djembe—the one I should have been playing—to accompany the rapper I’d played with before. He used his hands and voice to indicate breaks, transitions, and solos, leading the other musicians into unison. He went on to accompany a soft, heartfelt original composition by a female singer, and I couldn’t deny that he was quite good, far better than I was at fitting in with the music—not only fitting, but adding depth and richness. I can’t say I enjoyed listening to him play, as that would have compromised my self-righteous indignation, but intellectually I knew it sounded good.

Walking home later, I couldn’t shake the feeling. I’d begun the evening full of enthusiasm and expectations, and now I was crushed. I found some solace in allowing the emotion to wash over me, a kind of sweetness in fully experiencing it for a moment without trying to escape it.

I felt now, I imagined, how six-year-old Rowan must feel when he’s playing his drum along with me & my friends, and I tell him he’s disrupting by playing too loud or not following the rhythm. Or how anyone would feel being told they’re doing it wrong, when they’re doing the best they can.

Info:

Khana Nirvana
Temple Road
McLeod Ganj (Dharamsala)
Himachal Pradesh, India

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Reader comments: 2005-03-17 22:24 -sc Funny. I have had that exact experience, but under different circumstances. The outcome was the same though, my anger hindered my ability to make the best of the situation and it wasn't until I was away from everything that I saw how I could have done things differently. It truely is remarkable how much the ego plays into the music process. I notice it most when I am insecure. That I am not as inventive or as consistent as when I am secure and playing with my favorite dread-locked "RASTA" man. 2005-03-21 15:53 charley hello brother mundane, how art thou? good to see you site up after so long. i'll send you a real email soon. 2005-03-21 16:12 branka charley notified me this was back up. will need to catch up soon 2005-03-22 18:19 Al Futterman Ult - You're the best damn drummer I know. We know your name and language and you're welcome here. when do you get back home to US? love al 2005-03-26 00:52 Michelle Hey Ult You ever coming back to LA? 2005-03-29 14:00 Kim Paternoster Hey Ult - glad your site is up and runnin' again. Still in Texas - come visit my country sometime. :) 2005-04-17 10:12 anonymous Ult was found dead last sunday... it appears that he was alone in his room, and the coroner's report indicates that drugs were found in his system.

I am trying to contact james but I can't track him down yet. I'll keep on this and get the info 2005-04-17 10:12 anonymous I have arrived in India.

This whole thing is very disturbing. Apparently drugs were not found in his system, but Ult died by stab wounds.

James is being held for his murder, but he insists that he was in a fire pit drum circle when it was happening. I've talked to others who were with james and his story checks out.

I'm trying to raise the money to get james out, as i am convinced of his innocense. James and I suspect Gardeep. Ult had a dalliance with his gf several nighs ago.

I will report back when I get the latest. Also, I will be returning his bodhy to the states for burial. Time is of the essence and I understand he had a gf of common law wife. I need to contact her.

James has requested that he be burned in a traditional indian burial unless someone claims the body 2005-04-20 11:02 anonymous I've secured a lawyer for James... I think he'll be let go soon. Gardeep has been arrested. 2 other people have been arrested. James's lawyer tells me it is not uncommon to arrest just about anyone implicated.

I have tried to talk to James but he refuses to talk to me. I've told him that it is ok and not be afraid of the guards.

I talked to my lawyer today and he tells me not to trust anyone I hire here. I don't know what to believe. 2005-04-20 11:07 anonymous My lawyer also tells me I am being ripped off... There is no justice in India unless you have enough money. I have some money. I'm just trying to find the truth. I owe it to Ult. He pretty much saved my life 12 years ago. I have a debt to pay to him and I will see this through. If nobody reads this that is ok.. This is a conversation between you, I, and whatever God there may be.

I am sorry for putting off your flight back to the states. It will happen soon my friend. I cannot leave here until I get to the bottom of what happened 2005-04-20 19:13 Kimberly Paternoster You are not writing this to just nobody. I happened to come upon this last night, and flipped out. I worked with Ult at Storm many years ago, and I adored him. I've since emailed Dolf (one of our friends), and getting word out with our friends about what I found. I'm sorry for your loss - I'm pretty freaked out about it myself. Please keep posting. 2005-04-20 20:38 William Gulland Ult doesn't think he's dead. 2005-04-20 20:41 Scott Howlett Just FYI, until Ult gets around to updating his blog, the above anonymous report of Ult's demise is completely bogus. I just got off the phone with him. 2005-04-20 20:57 Ult Mundane This is Ult, and I'm really not dead. Mark Twain said it best, "Rumors of my death have been grossly exaggerated." The story was amusing to me, knowing full well that it wasn't true, but I apologize on behalf of the anonymous poster for disturbing those who had no way of knowing. 2005-04-20 20:59 karen tyne As witness to Ult's post. I confirm that he was alive and breathing in my presence as he typed. On this day April 20, 2005 20:59. -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- : -- :