ultramundane journal

2005-09-24 13:24 masturbation I gave it up for a number of years. While I was in India, I practiced not thinking about sex at all. It was pretty easy. Indian women hardly ever talked to me anyway. All the employees of shops and restaurants were male, so a week could go by without an exchange with a female. I remember a bus trip where it was so crowded most of us had to stand, pressed together like sardines. That's not unusual in India. What was unusual was that the sardine pressed up to me was in a sari. I felt a little guilty taking pleasure in the anonymous softness of her bottom. But how could I help it? The bus swayed on the uneven Indian road. Juliette was a young German girl traveling alone in India. She liked me because I was non-threatening. I didn't try to get her in bed. It worked. Later, while I was visiting her in Europe, I took a solo trip to Amsterdam, with its infamous red-light district and hash-peddling coffee shops. I played a game where whenever a sexual thought or image would appear, I would look at a tree. Or, if no tree was available, I'd just think about a tree. When I arrived back at Juliette's home in Freiburg, I happened to catch her coming out of the shower and the image of a tree popped into my mind. I gave up a lot of things while traveling. In addition to masturbation and sexual thoughts, I gave up my home and my friends, smoking, drinking, eating meat, watching movies, buying music, spending money frivolously, diversionary activities, and indulging in convenience. These days, I'm finding a lot of those things are finding their ways back into my life. Not all -- I'm still not smoking -- but many. Not in extreme ways, like an addict out of rehab might go back into a habit, but I'm definitely relaxing my prohibitions. Two weeks ago I drank beer, wine, mixed drinks, and jello shots at Scott & Kack's annual Cape Cod weekend bash. I didn't manage to get very drunk. I guess I don't have the intensity of focus I once did when it comes to alcohol. I get easily distracted, and the momentum is gone. I ate chicken last week. I'm totally not vegetarian anymore. My body started craving meat about a year ago. I ignored it for a while (a skill I learned while programming computers), then finally gave in to see what happened. I had a hot dog. I enjoyed it. Since then I've become a "freegan" of sorts. Ever since the pig truck, I've been loath to support the industry of meat. So I eat it sometimes when it's free. It's not a bullet-proof dogma, but it's no worse than the Tibetan Buddhists who claim not to be causing the slaughter of animals by "not ordering in advance" from the Moslem butcher. In any case I don't follow it as a rule, it's more of an intention. Like letting people in when they're pulling out of a driveway onto a busy street. I've been indulging in a lot of diversionary activities lately. Work itself is somewhat diversionary, because I don't really need to work, at least not very much. But everybody I know works, and I get lonely if I'm the only one with free time. And now that I have money, I have to figure out what to do with it. Which means lots of internet shopping, the most time-sucking diversionary activity of them all. I classify activities as diversionary if my motivation is to escape myself. An earmark is if, after doing them, I feel empty inside. Like I've wasted my time. Movies are often this way for me. Except for a rare exceptional recommendation (like the penguin movie) I usually only get the urge to watch a movie if I'm trying to avoid some part of my self. I use the computer this way a lot too, pretending I'm doing something useful. If I had a television I'd probably use it too. At this time, I'm not planning to give up diversionary activities altogether. But I think I'll give up masturbation again. There are plenty of trees around.

Info: [Warning: masturbation material. Don't open this at work. Unless you work from home. In which case, get back to work!] http://suicidegirls.com/tour
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Reader comments: 2005-09-25 07:04 anonymous Why do you have money now? 2005-09-25 07:45 ult Because I have a job. They pay me. 2005-09-25 22:34 -sc um, I need a password and username to finish, the, umm, process, yea, process. can you help out a friend? 2005-09-25 23:05 ult you can use your imagination to finish the "process"...it's better than the real thing anyway. 2005-09-26 08:06 anonymous [ult]Work itself is somewhat diversionary, because I donít really need to work, at least not very much. But everybody I know works, and I get lonely if Iím the only one with free time.[/ult] You mplied you have money separate from work, and only worked because you were bored. Just saying. I so need to shave. 2005-09-26 08:11 anonymous You know, you might not be one who skates through life, living off others and have money sent to you fromheaven. I wish I was you, please. I still work for a living and not in any way, discretionary. I've served too manhy tables to be jealous of your fortune, but please spare us the liberal hippie raves. 2005-09-26 09:01 ult I was trying to say that I don't need to work very much because I don't spend very much, but it all pretty much amounts to the same thing: existential angst. No matter whether you shave or go scruffy. 2005-09-28 08:32 anonymous do you use lube? Spittle works for me. 2005-09-28 22:32 -sc school's fun. you get smart. 2005-09-29 07:03 anonymous Poor Don Adams. Would you believe... 2005-09-29 08:40 -sc i hadn't thought about get smart for years. hate to see maxwell go. 2005-10-01 08:43 anonymous I think about sex, and would you believe! don adams a lot. A cone of masturbation would be great. 2005-10-02 10:30 anonymous It is sad that we never saw a shoe phone come to fruition, no? 2005-10-05 22:26 branka i want to start suicide guys :) there is a total market for it... 2005-10-07 07:35 anonymous cbief! 2005-10-09 14:12 ult Branka and Charley send me an email -- I don't have your current email addresses. I'm coming to visit! And anybody else in San Diego, San Jose (or vicinity), Eugene, or Seattle...watch out, I'm coming your way! 2005-10-12 15:50 alowyn What are you working as? 2005-10-18 13:07 anonymous money, mastrubation, meat. It sounds like you are letting go and letting your energy flow within the context of your culture. Why give up mastrubation again? If I were choosing between the meat industry and mastrubation, I'd give up meat again. Not that you were choosing between them. 2005-11-10 09:25 anonymous Can I masturbate with you? I never gave it up. I always liked it and enjoyed sharing it with friends. I am all about gving up meat, though. I'm serious about the masturbation thing, though. It would also be cool to film it and talk about sexuality and self-pleasure. A film about masturbation would be really cool. I am not kidding about this ult.. Masturbation is wonderful and nobody has the guts to talk about it or film it. If you are interested in this project let me know. And if anyone else is interested, too 2005-11-10 09:27 anonymous energy flow? context of culture? come on. don't be silly. the ult I know doesn't believe in such new-age clap-trap :I 2005-11-13 17:57 ult alowyn: software engineer anonymous masturbation: actually I saw a film in an art gallery once that was a close-up of a man's penis as he masturbated to ejaculation. I enjoyed the concept more than the work itself. Conceptual art is like that sometimes. In any case, I'm not interested in starring in a masturbation video at this time, but I'll get back to you if I change my mind. anonymous energy flow: I'm not sure whom I'm plagiarizing here, but it's a reasonable expression of my "beliefs": everything is possible, but not everything is true. 2005-11-19 17:12 -sc Suicide Girls go corporate, or was it always? http://www.metroactive.com/papers/cruz/11.16.05/suicidegirls-0546.html 2005-11-21 09:20 mb movie boy we want you even more now. Someone who has eschewed masturbation for years,and recently resumed it. We have plenty of college boys and divorced dads. You, ult, are what we need. Is there anything we can do to make you reconsider? This is a paying job, you know. Not a lot of money, but we can make this worth your time if you are willing to masturbate and be able to explain why you laid off it for so long all at the same time.