Monday, May 26, 2003

Karen's Journal

Strangely enough, Ult and I are no longer sure where he begins and I end and vice versa. So here I am writing a journal entry on his website and he has become the chauffer home from preschool for a truck-lovin' 4 year old, and tabla teacher to a seven month old (not to mention diaper changing and feeding).

So aaa yep, here we are... we... I'm still getting used to it. From the moment we met at a party in California 10-ish years ago, our connection has been magnetic, unsustainable, and polar in our need for space to be safe. Over the years we've grown...independently while still influencing each other in powerful ways...and mellowed our needs for flight in the face of fear of our relationship. Aaaa yep so here we are...I'm still getting used to it. Apparently I have more fear than he. Fear of love and being deeply loved and completely surrendering to love, and being self conscious of liking completely open and vulnerable love. But here we are ... i'm still getting used to it. I think he likes that I struggle to relax around this, I think I make him feel normal. And he's always wanted to be just a little normal.

So Ult's at peace for the most part. He has adjusted to his new environment like a nesting mother duck. After two weeks of "observation" he is settling in to structure his environment, refine my parenting style (I'll reserve the use of "our" until at least next month), and support me to get my business thriving. In all cases his energy and perspective is greatly appreciated.

We are a little neurotic... we process and analyze everything, I think that the count of journal notebooks is up to 5 now. Different books for different topics. It's kinda cute. But we are both into it... so what the hey! I think that's when people usually say...mmm yes they deserve each other.

what else to say? I'm at peace too, happy even. I could talk and talk about the most innane things, the deepest most troubling ones, and he listens, thinks and responds thoughtfully. and for this expression of love I am most thankful.

Oops...the little ones are home...and this shifts most moments